I started writing a blog after my first was born. I found it therapeutic since pregnancy and parenthood were NOT what I thought they would be. I mean, I knew that it was going to be hard and exhausting but worth it. What I didn’t know is how out of control of major things (like labor and breastfeeding) I would be. And I didn’t know the truly immobilizing “mom guilt” could be as well.
I wrote posts about updates on how my Little Lang was growing. I wrote about how I was one and done (ironically enough because now I am starting this after having my second). Over time, the posts became fewer and farther between. It wasn’t until Robin Williams committed suicide that I wrote about seeking therapy for many different reasons after having my first son.
While I sometimes continue that blog, I thought something of this magnitude deserves its own platform.
Yesterday, I went for my post-op appointment at the OBGYN. Normally after baby, they ask questions about how you’re feeling, not just physically but emotionally. I have been overwhelmed, anxious and crying for weeks. And I decided to be honest about it.
I hadn’t been honest at all about it until recently with my husband and my family. I learned from after I had Vedder to at least be honest with one person. It doesn’t help me that much, but at least someone knows.
I have so much support from family. I hear affirmations of how strong I am and how great of a mother I am. I also see other moms struggle and tell them how amazing and strong they are. In the back of my mind I know though that while those words are appreciated so much, it doesn’t change a mother’s feelings until she believes it herself.
And that is where my journey begins. The journey to maybe start believing that again. I felt like I had to start documenting all of this because, first, writing is so therapeutic to me; second, if it helps one woman be honest too, I feel like what I am going through is for a reason.