It’s a weird feeling to have anxiety just pop up at random times. Before baby, I would have no problem going out on my own. To the store, to work, to meet friends for drinks. Anywhere. Right after I had my first, I would call or text to check in randomly, mainly to see how he was doing. After the first year or so, I stopped checking in. Not because I didn’t care, but more because I felt comfortable knowing he was fine without me.
Now it’s totally different. While I know the second is fine without me, I am having panic attacks whenever I leave him. But for the weirdest reasons.
The last two times I have gone out to meet friends, the boys have stayed home with m husband. He is an obviously 100% attentive and capable parent. That isn’t why I worry. I worry because I think I forgot something. I literally call a few blocks after leaving my house to ask my husband if the baby is ok. I ask him because I can’t remember how I left the baby. Was he happy? Was he fed? Did I forget something? Did I leave him somewhere and not tell my husband? My mind goes into serious panic.
There are mornings too where I will be getting the oldest ready to bring him to the bus stop and walk out of the house. As I walk down the front steps, my heart jumps in my throat. I grab my chest. And there he is, wrapped up on me. Totally fine. But I think I forgot him.
We have all heard the stories about parents tragically forgetting their children in the car. I used to think that was crazy! How could you forget your child? Now I completely understand this type of situation. And I live with the panic and fear every day that I will be one of those parents.