Before Baby

Before this baby, I had already been well immersed in motherhood for the past five years. Make that close to six if you’re including pregnancy. So I should have known what to expect, right? Well, not really.

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Before this baby, I had already been well immersed in motherhood for the past five years. Make that close to six if you’re including pregnancy. So I should have known what to expect, right? Well, not really. Everything about the second child was different, from pregnancy to birth to my feelings about it all.

I didn’t want a second child. It’s hard to write that with him wrapped up on my chest right now, but it’s true. In my public pregnancy announcement, I wrote about it. I was a one and done mama. I didn’t apologize for that. But now I am. Everyday through tears, apologizing. Mainly because I feel like that is a main reason why my postpartum is hitting me so hard. And why I feel so disconnected from him. 

A year ago I was embarking on a creative career changing journey. I had quit my full time job and was throwing myself into the freelance world. While the jobs came slowly at first, over the course of ten months, I had theatrically filled my resume with everything from Burlesque to off Broadway, from making cocktails to managing productions. It was an extremely creatively fulfilling year. And I did it eight months of it pregnant! To be honest, I felt like a force to be reckoned with. I did everything from power drilling sets together to running full off-Broadway musical productions, all while growing a human being inside me! 

Now, just four short months from stepping off the stage and back into motherhood, I have never felt do defeated. While I know that I’m not entirely given up my career, it does put a pause on things and I think that’s really hard for me to deal with since I worked so hard and climbed so far over the past year.

Then there’s our family before baby. My husband and I barely knew each other before getting engaged, married, and pregnant with our first son. And it worked perfectly for us. Our first son was such a perfect reflection of our relationship in every way. Our trio felt so perfectly balanced to me. And for four years, I had tried to convince the other two thirds that three was the perfect number. They didn’t buy it.

So I got pregnant, had a baby, and now I am here. I am not saying I don’t love my child. I’m saying I went from a year of feeling my highest highs, to now my lowest lows, and in between all of that came the baby.

Now I’m just trying to figure out what all that means.

 

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